I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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