I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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