i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
