I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
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