Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
15 Things That Could NEVER Happen Anywhere But the South
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
15 Times “Flight of the Conchords” Made You Feel Better About Being a Twenty-Something
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.