i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
