they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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