3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Randomize
