what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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