ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
