I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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