mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
