Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
