it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Randomize
