he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
