I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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