Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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