My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
accomplished twins. life is a go
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
