So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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