I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever