I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
It’s A Miracle These 21 Promiscuous People Don’t Have STDs
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
These 27 Infuriatingly Annoying Habits Will Ruin Your Day
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat