He disabled his match.com account in front of me
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
These 27 Hilarious People Wrote Their Own Obituaries
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
23 Men Confess What Gifts Would Brighten Their Day
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick