your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him