Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize
