My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila