No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?