You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
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