Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
