that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
