we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
