i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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