I've blown a few things in my day
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Randomize
