so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
