my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
