Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
