Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
