i jhust puked up my retainher.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
