honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
