She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
