Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
