I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Randomize
