She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
