I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
