4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
This is the high leading the old right now
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
