I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
