I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
