I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
