turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
