I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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