Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
