Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
