Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Randomize
