I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
