a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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