I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
