I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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