5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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