We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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