We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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