Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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