The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
